


on the habitual anxiety of mako trig

by haxxorbitch



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff, Other, thatsit., theyre just in love. i dont post anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 15:00:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16389893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haxxorbitch/pseuds/haxxorbitch
Summary: cass makes some observations, and some realizations.--come say hi on twitter @hauntingsim :P





	on the habitual anxiety of mako trig

           mako is habitually anxious, as it turns out. there's something in him that always seems to be waiting. he taps his fingers against any surface he can, mindlessly. he worries his lip with his teeth and either doesn't notice or doesn't mind the pain. he picks at his cuticles, pulls the tabs of skin he creates and watches idly as the bleed. he is by all means, a mess.   
  
           messes have never been cass' type. they're prone to becoming a mess themselves; not sleeping when they get immersed in a task or a patient, not eating, drinking, becoming more and more exhausted. someone stable and normal is usually who they make themselves go for. a normal person \-- because their life has always been chaos, whether documented in beautiful propaganda films or forgotten like the people they couldn't save. they need someone who's normal.   


           mako isn't that.

           but they're still in love with him, his chuckles and his side eyes and his smirk when he knows he's pissing someone off. the amount of recklessness he puts into everything but fogging, where he is focused and calm and calculating. his messy hair, never seeming brushable. and his undeniable anxiety that bothers them. they think about it like a dog chewing a bone, constant. but there is not end to it, their worried thoughts never seem able to run out.he seems like he’s an elastic, pulled so tightly that he’s about to snap.   
  
           they guess this probably has something to do with him dying. everyone dies sometimes. they've died, once. waking up in a hospital bed with their sibling waiting. asking what went wrong. a small pang of regret buzzes around these concerns when they realize that mako woke up alone. not them, or aria, or AuDy. it stays at the edge of their thoughts, when they're alone, like an angry, swarming insect that they just can't swat. at some point, they stop trying to.  
  
mako gets less careful as time wears on. "i've already died," he explains to them, carefully as he can with alcohol running through his veins. he's drunk, for no reason. for fun. and they are drunk too, for fun. his head is in their lap, and their fingers are in his hair. "so i'm not scared to, ‘cos i know you'll bring me right back up. or, someone will, iunno. it's not that scary."  
  
they know he is lying. he has too many tells. talking less, too little for him. holding too still, focusing his energy into seeming like he’s _not_ anxious. and it's not mako. it makes them uncomfortable when he lies. not because he's not telling the truth - he knows that they know he's lying, and doesn't seem to care too terribly. but because he becomes so viscerally not mako. he becomes another distant person, and this hurts cass, because they \-- well, they don’t know what to call it. they’d, if they were a little less up-tight, say that they love their mako. and it makes their heart feel a bit strange when they consider him their mako, but regardless. him acting differently makes them feel an odd, inexplicable kind of nauseous.   
and so, it’s after a job, when he’s come into their room, tired, guilty, and just as drunk, when they start thinking about this whole thing again. he’s laid in their lap, eyes closed, sleepily smiling. it’s impulsive, and foolish, and breaks the silence in a weird way, but they manage it out. “mako, i, uh, i don’t like it when you lie.”  
  
"sorry," he says sheepishly, his lack of soberity apparently allieving the randomness of the statement. he's gazing up at them like they're a night sky. they're looking down at him like there won't be anything left to look at soon. "slip of the hand. or, well, of the mind, i guess! we’re criminals, we lie! i'm a criminal, and a _very good_ one at that." he winks up at them.  
  
"not _that_ good, if you have such obvious tells.” they reply, smiling slightly. it doesn’t do much to hide their anxiety, though. they can tell that he knows this. he gives them an exaggerated pout. there’s a beat of silence.

  
mako hums. “they’re not that obvious, you just like looking at me enough to figure them out.” they flush, and he starts playing with the end of their braid. there he goes again, always on the move. he _must_ be waiting for something. they think this of him all the time, but really, he must be. sometimes they consider asking him what exactly it is— why exactly he’s perpetually coiled, ready to spring at any moment. his fingers tug at the braid’s strands for a few moments. it’s nice. calming. _mako._ they close their eyes. he continues to toy with their hair.

           “maybe.” they mumble, and hear him chuckle smugly. “but, mako, i just…” they open their eyes to catch his gaze, just to see him pulling out the small band holding it in place. he grins at them devilishly. their stomach does a couple of flips. stupid smile. they roll their eyes as he sits up slightly to unravel the braid. "i think i’ve got it. why i don’t like it when you lie, i mean.”

           “oh, you’re ready to spit it out?” he teases, pulling the braid out completely. they feel their hair fall about their shoulders. it’s strangely calming. in a way, it feels more like they’re leaning away from the cultivated image of themselves. offering him their whole self, in some weird way. it’s stupid, but whatever.

           “yea, okay. so. mako.” they sigh, and he keeps toying with their hair while he looks up. they’re sure he’s doing so for a reason, now, but can’t really figure out what that reason is. “i just didn't fall in love with you trying to hide yourself. i like it when you're," they gesture vaguely, and he watches in something close to awe. they're not sure why he's giving them this reverence, but they continue. "when you're mako. i like mako."  
  
he pauses. seems genuinely taken aback. mako, with all that energy, stops for a moment that he hasn’t planned. they feel strange about that, and pause to consider what they said. oh. ah. oops. he finally finds words, though. he manages to say, "in love is a strong word. strong two words, actually. i mean, it's different than love, right? it's used a lot less. it's a lot more loaded, right?” they nod, slowly. “are you, uh, smitten with me, cass?"  
  
they roll their eyes again. one day, he might cause them to roll their eyes one too many times and they'll go blind. and then they realize what he's saying proper, and they can feel their face warming up and their scales shifting. they try to seem smooth. "perhaps i am."  
  
"cass, i don't like it when you try to be cool." mako sticks his tongue out at them. "but me too, probably. i don't know. you treat me nicely and i trust you and i like your eyes and your hair and your laugh makes my heart do weird things but i was kinda scared i was only a like, fuck buddy with added friend benefits." he shrugs and fumbles with their hair some more. they notice he is being gentle. very uncommon for mako trig.  
  
"it’s friends with benefits, mako. that’s the phrase.” he rolls his eyes at them, this time. “but, uh, no. i don't think so. no. you aren’t." and, after another beat of silence, they hum and toy with his hair. 

           and suddenly, he props himself up and kisses them softly. softer than any of the times he has before. they are surprised by this, not sure if it is more the drunk mako or the sober mako. he lays back down, satisfied with their flustered shock, apparently, and promptly goes to sleep.

           they stare at him, for a long moment. and then, cass chuckles under their breath, as to not wake him back up. just another way that mako is all over the place, being awake and then instantly asleep. but he kissed them, and they figure, that maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad to do this more often. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to move him out of his glorified closet and into their equally as disagreeable, but slightly bigger bed, more often. 

           he looks easy like this. that habitual anxiety fades. he uncoils in their arms, as they pull their blanket over the both of them. and then there’s just that - the duvet over them, his quiet breathing, the drone of the engines that are just a  _ bit  _ too loud, and his sudden softness, offsetting how uncomfortable their mattress is.

           they put their chin onto his head. his bubblegum pink hair brushes up against them, but it’s soft. they wrap their arms around him, and he shifts in his sleep to be closer. there’s more warmth between the two of them than they’re used to feeling. and as they fall asleep, they figure, yeah. they wouldn’t mind this at all.


End file.
